How We Do It: Survival Mode

“I don’t know how you do it.”  I hear this frequently from people in my life.  I think they’re probably just commenting in a “shaking my head at the lunacy of your life” kind of way, but because I put a lot of thought into how I do things, I tend to interpret it as a question: “How do you do it?”  And so, for the curious, here is the first installment in the How Do You Do It? series.

First, we don’t.  Not really.  Not in the way that I think people imagine.  Life is messy- far messier than it appears on Instagram or Facebook.  Our family is not perfect, and all of the problems that people can imagine in a home with 7 kids (6 boys!) and one mom probably do exist. 

I’ve had to adjust my expectations.  Those who knew me 6 or 7 years ago may remember that I was a pretty decent housekeeper.  I delighted in sharing organization tips and putting my logistics skills to work on things like laundry and Legos.  These days, my logistics skills are needed elsewhere.  We still live just a hair's breadth away from survival mode.  In fact, we find ourselves in survival mode quite frequently. 

What, you may ask, is survival mode?  It’s a season when something- a sick kid, a busy school schedule, a teenage crisis- deposits us in “just survive the day” land. 

When I started working full time, I realized two things pretty quickly.  One, we couldn’t live in survival mode forever, even though it kind of felt like we couldn’t get out of it.  Two, even if I managed to get us out of survival land, we were going to land back there with some frequency.  It’s just the reality of our life situation.

Once I embraced those realities, I first worked to get us out of survival mode, but then, something occurred to me: If I planned ahead for survival mode, it would automatically feel less like survival and more like real living and we could probably get out of it faster.

So, “How Do You Do It?” for a single mom must first address the all important Survival Mode.  Every single mom should have a Survival Mode Plan in her back pocket.

Decide on the essentials.  What things do you do that are essential to your family’s well-being?

If you’re in survival mode, at this point, you think something like: IT’S ALL ESSENTIAL!  EVERYTHING I DO IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO THE WELL-BEING OF MY PRECIOUS LITTLE BABIES!!!

Take a breath.  You are stressed.  You are THINKING IN ALL CAPS, for heaven’s sake.  This very reaction illustrates why it’s better to plan for Survival Mode when you’re calm and rational, and, well, not actually in Survival Mode.

You do many wonderful things for your children.  You have devoted your life to keeping your family healthy and thriving.  But, for a period of time, some of those “wonderful things” can be sacrificed for the sake of lowering the stress level in the home.  It won’t last forever- it should in fact be as brief as possible- and if you don’t drop something, you’re going to lose your mental health, and that’s not good for anybody.

Okay, now that you’ve been talked down from your ALL CAPS freak out, a few practical tips.

• Quick, easy food options. Health takes a back seat and we switch to paper plates and anything else that can make things easier.  My kids eat fruit without complaint or urging, so I keep that on hand to make up for the lack of whole grains and veggies the quick meals might be creating.
• Keep that laundry going!  We need clean clothes.  Whether or not they’re folded or on hangers is far less important.  They just need to be washed and sorted by wearer.
• Get to school on time.  This is non-negotiable and usually requires me to push past the point of exhaustion to set out shoes and backpacks the night before.
• The kids need to feel safe and loved.  This is the hardest part.  Survival mode means everyone is stressed.  Stressed kids don’t behave well, and stressed moms aren’t patient.  I have to spend a lot of time praying that I’ll have the strength to keep my mouth shut and the endurance to give hugs or read stories when I’d rather be sleeping.  And when I don’t succeed, I apologize.  Immediately.  
• Non-essentials can wait.  They’ll still be there (unfortunately) when things calm down.

When we’re in Survival Mode, I fall back on Elisabeth Elliott’s timeless principle: Do the next thing.  Get up.  Start the first thing.  Do the next thing.  Don’t spend too much time thinking about what that next thing is.  When there are a lot of little people with a lot of needs, the next thing will usually be clearly defined. 

Survival Mode isn’t a place where families thrive.  It isn’t a healthy place to exist for a long period of time, but planning for it, recognizing it, and dealing with it is essential.  Everyone ends up in Survival Mode; it’s a reality of life.  The key is to SURVIVE it, and then move on. 

Books!

Well, we've been sick.  Lots of sitting around with fuzzy blankets and tea and BOOKS.  (And streaming, of course. We've watched all three Hobbits, all three Lord of the Rings- you get the idea.)  But the books are my favorite.  Here's my list for the past week:

• Dollars and Sense by Dan Ariely
• Confusion of Languages by Siobhan Fallon
• How the Right Lost Its Mind by Charlie Sykes
• Exit Strategy by Steve Hamilton 
• World without Mind by Franklin Foer (in progress)
• End Game by David Baldacci (in progress)

I've read several end of the year book wrap-up lists this week, so I thought I'd contribute a little list of my own.  I couldn't decide on my top ten or five or three, so I'm compromising by grouping a few notables by type.  (I came up with the categories on my own based on how I related to the book, so, as the kids would say, "Don't @ me.")

Parenting

The Vanishing American Adult by Ben Sasse

This book is not, of course, primarily a parenting book, but I read it as a parent.  Society has extended adolescence and thereby made maturation in many ways more difficult.  As a parent, I want my children to be ready to face the adult world.  Sasse has many thoughts on how parents, teachers, and society as a whole can foster adulthood in the next generation.  It is my wish that my children grow up to be strong and independent thinkers.  Based on how vigorously and regularly they argue with me, I think I'm on the right track.  Excellent book for anyone who comes into contact with young people.

Novels

Use of Force by Brad Thor

House of Spies by Daniel Silva

What can I say?  I like spy novels.  Thor's are consistently fun and fast-paced; Silva's are beautifully written and deeply thoughtful.  I anxiously await their new installments each summer.  I also read

The Room of White Fire by T. Jefferson Parker.

It was my first by this author, and he has a distinct writing style (so many fragments!) that took a little getting used to.  The style plays into his portrayal of the main character in a way that made me feel like I knew him at the end.  All three are worth a read if you like books with heavy artillery.

Brain Books

Let's call this a broad category.  I am outnumbered by kids at home, and I teach middle school.  I need brain books.

Churchill and Orwell: The Fight for Freedom by Thomas E. Ricks

This is a fascinating comparative biography and you should read it.  You really should.  The way Ricks ties these two thinkers together while painting a full picture of each independently really is brilliant.  And once you've read it, read The Atlantic article about how the book was edited.  The English teacher in me loved that look behind the scenes.

The Gatekeepers: How the White House Chiefs of Staff Define Every Presidency by Chris Whipple

I listened to this on Audible while I repainted our house this summer.  It made the entire chore seem more...epic, somehow.  White House intrigue, a few brave men trying to wrestle political and foreign forces, determined attempts to bring order and discipline to the frenzied pace of the presidency.  It was all very enlightening.  Godspeed, General Kelly.

The Looming Tower: Al-Qaeda and the Path to 9/11 by Lawrence Wright

Sometimes, when we're living through a historical event, it's difficult to make sense of the larger issues.  I've intended to read this book for awhile, but I finally cued it on Audible, and I'm glad I did.  I can't claim to have absorbed all of the information- that would take careful study and notation- but I did come away with a deeper understanding of the events that led up to that fateful day.

Improvement

Option B by Sheryl Sandberg

This book was written by a young widow, and I approached it skeptically.  I am acutely aware of how unique each person's grief process and experience is, and I expected the book to have little impact on my thinking at this point in my journey.  I was wrong.  Sandberg did an admirable job acknowledging that very fact: Everyone has a different experience.  She focused on the big picture issues like building resiliency.  I've spent so much time contemplating the importance of "suffering well," and her perspective was refreshing.  If you're facing obstacles or grieving a loss, consider reading this book.  You'll find hope and solace and a determination to face the future boldly.

Read-Aloud

Trumpet of the Swan by EB White

I don't know what I'm going to do when I no longer have children young enough to be read to before bed.  I will be sad.  I will have to get a reading companion dog.  Anyway...

Most people are familiar with Charlotte's Web, but Trumpet of the Swan is my personal EB White favorite.  The characters, both human and avian, are compelling and touching and real.  

Here's to another year of reading! Happy 2018.