Saturday, June 2, 2012

Starting Chemo

Today- Friday- Bryan started chemo.

Although his calcium levels are finally back to normal (yeah!), his kidneys are still not doing well.  They aren't getting any worse, but they haven't gotten better.

The doctor decided to start chemo anyway, but he just adjusted the dosage to take into account Bryan's compromised kidney function.

All through this past week, I have been looking forward to Bryan's calcium levels coming down so that his mind would clear.  I want to have a conversation with him!  Unfortunately, he was given both morphine and several doses of Benadryl last night.  Because his kidneys aren't functioning properly, the medicine wasn't clearing his system.  He was extremely groggy and basically slept all day.  Maybe tomorrow he'll be clearer.

It's actually probably a blessing that he was unaware today.  He's always said, after seeing both of his parents go through chemo, that he would NEVER do chemo.  I really don't think there's a choice here, and I think he'll agree, but it still would have been hard for him to be fully aware of that IV starting.

Our little people are having a hard time with this.  They're being well cared for by my family, but they're missing their Mommy and Daddy.  My dad overheard Justin, who is six, say, "I know Daddy's in the hospital, but how many days has it been since we've seen Mommy?"  It had actually been less than 24 hours.  (I came home at night, but they were asleep, and then left before they woke up.)  To him it seems very long, I guess.  He is also worried that Daddy might get kidnapped from the hospital.  That made me realize that the younger ones have no idea what a hospital is and what's going on.  I need to take them to see him, even if he is groggy, and even if it is for only five minutes.

I'm trying to make the right choices on where to be.  There's only one of me and Bryan needs and wants me there and the kids need and want me here.  They're all going to have to settle for less than what they want, and that breaks my heart.  I keep reminding all of them to just take each day as it comes, and soon we'll be looking back on these days.  Nothing lasts forever.  I'm also making a point to spend time with the children each day, even though that takes me away from Bryan.  It's not that he minds being alone (he doesn't want people to come sit with him while I'm gone), he just wants me there.

I have told the kids that they can call me, and that seems to be helping.  I need to make sure that the younger ones get help to call too.  It makes them feel connected if they can pick up the phone and hear my voice whenever they get a little insecure.

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